Mommy L's Word of the Week: Achievement

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These days, I have very different definitions for the word "achievement".

Bathing Pablo by myself? Achievement!

Being able to fold and put away the newly laundered clothes? Achievement.

Putting the baby to sleep? Achievement.

Waking up ahead of Pablo feeling alert and well-rested? Achievement.

Also, waking up ahead of the baby and getting a complete breakfast meal? Achievement.

Grabbing a quick lunch on time? Achievement.

Putting on lipstick? Achievement! With an apostrophe no less! Haha

Organizing stuff around the room? Okay, SOME of the stuff in our room. Achievement.

Now that he's a lot more awake than during his first few weeks, putting Pablo to sleep? Achievement.

Getting to win over my husband on Words With Friends? (Hahahaha!) Achievement.

Not being snappish with my poor husband? Achievement. Will try harder, okay?

Getting Pablo on a onesie with sleeves? Achievement.

Being able to post a new blog entry? Achievement.

Oh, I'm such an achiever! 

#30ReasonsWhy: a Paper Anniversary Post

Before our wedding, I made a 30-day-countdown on our Facebook event page, with 30 reasons why I think it is right for us to get married. Let me list them down here on the blog for our First Anniversary.

I can't believe it's been a year, yet I can't believe it has only been a year! Never has 12 months seemed so long and short at the same time.

Mr. L, I love you with all my heart.

30. He makes me laugh! ♡

29. I'm looking forward to see the goriest and the prettiest places together.

28. Even at my worst, chicken pox and all, he makes me feel good about myself.

27. He is proud to be with me(because, hello! Choss).

26. He whips up yummy dishes for me ♡

25. He makes me see things from a different viewpoint.

24. He supports my dreams even when it means he has to make sacrifices himself.

23. I can make him smile even when he's upset.

22. Whenever we have disagreements, he almost always makes the first move even during times when I'm the one being unreasonable. Hehe

21. We understand (to an extent, support) each other's idiosyncrasies; dreams, quirks, hobbies, insane ideas etc. I can completely be myself around him.

20. Even during times when he isn't at his best, I still know in my heart that I love him.

19. He's still my last thought at night and my first in the morning.

18. He always has my back. We may not agree on a lot of things but when it comes down to it, I know I will always have him as my ally.

17. By nature, we are both stubborn and headstrong but we listen to each other, maybe not all the time, but in times that matter.

16. He loves kids. Kids love him, too!

15. I can see how he always strives to make himself better, how he does his best in everything he puts his mind into. For those who say he's mayabang, I say suck it! When you know everything he's had to face and overcome, you would know that he has every right to feel good about himself. I'm immensely proud to be with him.

14. He cares about what makes me happy.

13. He makes me feel safe.

12. We respect each other's choices: We think differently, we have diverse wirings, we do not agree at times but we respect that we have individual choices and we admire the fact that despite heated discussions, we can be adults about our decisions.

11. We drive each other crazy, both in good and bad ways.

10. He respects me and everything about me: my views, my talents, my weaknesses, my dreams, my failures.

9. Just at that moment when I am soaring higher than necessary, he reminds me that the best way to go about everything is to keep my feet firmly planted on the ground.

8. His faith keeps me going.

7. He always chooses me over everything else. 😛

6. He respects my family.

5. Never has anyone in his family treated my badly. They are all so cool right from the start.

4. When things are going wrong, we are better when we're together.

3. This near to the wedding and I feel no doubt, only certainty.

2. We love each other

1. It is written in the stars

Cheers to more more years together!

Mama, I now understand...

Why you always stayed up late when I was a kid. I couldn't go to bed without you beside me so I always waited up no matter how many times you told me to go ahead and sleep.

It wasn't because you weren't sleepy yet. It wasn't because you liked staying up late. It was because you still had a lot of preparing, chopping, marinating to do for the menu the following day. You worked hard and at odd hours for our little restaurant to make sure that we would always have enough to live by.

I now understand why you got mad when I wasn't home on time. Why you had to drive your boyish motorcycle to my school to look for me on days that I'm not home when I should be.

It wasn't because I broke your rules. It was because you were worried something might have happened to me. You must have been nervous to begin with. Nerves that turned into panic when you couldn't find me immediately. Panic that turned into relief and then anger upon finding out I was just playing under the sun after all, without a care if you were worried or not.

I now understand why you were always reluctant to let me go to parties (acquaintance parties, school dances, etc.). I had to beg, and scheme, and escape just to be able to get out of the house.

It wasn't because you didn't want me to have fun with my friends. It was because you know that a lot of nasty things happen at parties and you didn't want me to experience any of it. 

I now understand why you always give directions in detail, (as in go to this certain mall, go up the escalator to your left, go inside the store named "whatever", ask the manager if they have a stock of this and that, tell him it's important etc.) it wasn't because you think I couldn't handle the task, it was because you always want to make things easier for me.

I now understand why you had doubts when I told you a BPO company asked me to come for an interview at ten o'clock at night. You asked what kind of an office gives final interviews at ten at night. I told you BPO companies do.

It wasn't because you think I was lying, it was because you weren't worried about me. You always are. What with the news loaded of stories about missing people, I now know you just wanted to make sure I am always safe.

I now understand why you were strict and firm with us when we were young; no boyfriend until we finish school, no dating, no smoking AT ANY AGE, make sure we are courted at home, etc.

It wasn't because you just wanted us to follow your rules. It was because you wanted to make sure we'd finish school and have a good future. It was because you wanted (want) the best for us.

I now understand a lot of things, Mama, because I now know that being a mother is like having your heart take form outside of your body. A form that can be bruised, hurt, crushed. A form that has its own heart and mind and can get itself into trouble if it's not careful. A form you always always want to protect but can only do so much.

I now understand because I'm a mother now too. Much as I have appreciated and loved you before I become a mother myself, I see you now in a different, and in a much much more beautiful, light.

I am immensely grateful for your love. I love you, Mama.

Happy Mother's Day.

Clark: Month 1

Never have I been able to comprehend the neverending amazement babies give and now that I have my own, I want to learn and document everything about him.

At first month, our little Ian Clark (Pablo for short hahaha! More on that later) have already given us so much joy and wonderment. Here are my discoveries and his little, albeit seemingly monumental to Mr. L and me, milestones.

1. He has a mole on his back.

2. He now coos and makes cute little sounds aside from crying.

3. He smiles oh so beautifully! 

4. He has a dimple on the left cheek.

5. He loves being close to me and can already tell when I'm not around. I say this because no matter how deeply he sleeps, he wakes up and cries just a few minutes after I've gone to eat/shower/restroom break. 

6. He loves my milk and demands to be fed every two hours! Some babies need to be woken up for feeding but not our Pablo, he cries for milk like clockwork. Love. 

7. He loves being carried by Mr. L. You can tell because when he cries, he quiets down whenever Mr. L picks him up. 

8. He now follows anyone who carries him with his eyes.

9. He cries really loudly!

10. We love him so very much.

We expected to have a daughter but were gifted with a son

Back in December, when I was on my sixth month of pregnancy, my OB recommended that I get this Congenital Anomaly Scan (CAS). Basically, it is like an ultrasound but more thorough. My baby will be checked from head to toe; eyes, heart, spine, fingers and toes, etc. Of course kasama na rin dito ang gender.

I went in for the scan on a weekday kasi mas konti ang tao. I just arranged to meet Mr. L after office.

I thanked the Higher Being because everything turned out well for my baby according to the ultrasound. Then came the gender reveal. I was so excited! My husband and I wanted a girl. During the early months of pregnancy I told him I "felt" we were having a girl. Ang confident hahaha! So when the doctor told me that she was almost sure I had a girl in my tummy, there was no doubt in my mind that she was right. To be fair, she did tell me that my baby's umbilical cord is between its legs making it more difficult to tell for sure but she wasn't seeing any other, um, protrusion. She said she was about 80% sure. Ako naman dedma na sa 20%!

I met with my husband after work that day, brought him to TWG (special occasion eh!) and showed him the ultrasound with my scribbled handwriting in pink pen that said: It's a girl! Tuwang-tuwa si Mr. L. Naka-post pa sa Facebook hahaha!

A couple of months after that, a very good friend of mine organized a baby shower for me with my former colleagues and some of our close friends. She asked me for a wishlist and good thing I told her to "lessen" the pink stuff kasi feeling ko madaming magbibigay ng pink(speaking of, kailangan ko din palang maiblog ang baby shower haha).

Come April, my OB said she was leaving the country for a couple of weeks starting Holy Week. My Expected Date of Delivery (EDD) was April 28 but if I was to give birth on the weeks my OB wasn't here, a reliever would have to deliver my baby and I didn't like the sound of that. Siyempre, as much as possible, I want to limit the number of people checking in on my vajayjay.

I told my husband that I felt (eto na naman ako sa kaka "feeling" ko eh no? Haha) that my baby will come out on April 8th latest. I came in for my prenatal checkup on April 3rd and my OB said my cervix has started to open. Yiii na-excite ako! The following days were filled with me packing and unpacking our hospital things hahaha and of me trying to determine possible contractions. However, April 8 came and went and wala pa din. Naiinip na ako.

2AM of April 10th, I woke up with a pain similar to that of a menstrual cramp but this one extended to my lower back. Sabi ko "this is it!" haha! So I took a shower, I lathered, scrubbed, shaved, lahat na! Ang tagal ko sa banyo mga 45 minutes! Hahaha! All the while pinapakiramdaman ko kung masusundan yung pain, wala naman! Until I finished my shower and fell back asleep. After Mr. L left for the office, I went back to bed. Napuyat ako eh. I woke up noontime na eh may prenatal checkup ulit ako and my OB's clinic is only open until 12nn. Dedma, I still went kahit 2PM na yun.

I got to Dr. Vicencio's clinic just before 3PM and there were no other patients anymore, ako na lang talaga haha! We went about our normal routine. Then she checked my BP, 160/80! Kalerkey! She did an Internal Exam and told me my cervix has dilated to 3CM na and that I was to go to the Pre-Labor Room ASAP. I called my husband and my mama to tell them the news.

I was in the Labor Room by 5PM. The pain didn't start until they popped my waterbag. It was around 7PM. For those who are curious, yes, labor is painful! It's like LBM and menstrual cramps combined and to the tenth power! Hahaha! Good thing there are three to five minute intervals and thank goodness I learned yoga breathing techniques. It helped a lot!

*WARNING: Unflattering photos ahead but this doesn't get any real than this so kebs!

Kaya pa besh?

For Mr. L to be allowed into the Labor Room,
he had to change into this scrub suit. P450 siya teh!
Tapos kailangan isoli after. KLK!

At past 3AM I was wheeled into the Delivery Room. They called my husband (he was with me at the Labor Room but after a couple of hours I told him to go get some sleep because who knows when we'll get to sleep again? Haha) but I requested that they don't let him in until the baby is almost out. I did not want anyone to see me so, um, defenseless? I don't know, just the picture of me spread-eagled under bright lights and strangers, it sure wasn't a pretty situation.

Ayun na nga, after a few unsuccessful pushing, the pain started again and they had to up my epidural shot. Kaso mo, the person assisting the anesthesiologist misplaced her apparatus! NACACALOCA! Namimilipit ako sa sakit and she was running around trying to find whatever and wherever it is. In reality it probably just took her a few minutes but my gahd it felt like hours! She got reprimanded na nga. In between pains I was like "uy take your time naman, okay lang talaga ako eh!" hahaha kaloka si bakla!

After a few more pushing, Dr. V said the baby's heartbeat is starting to slow down so she has to use forceps to get the baby out na. There will be a few marks on her head and face but they will go away after a few days din daw. They called my husband in and the next push should be my one big push daw. Okay game!

The contraction came, I pushed like I never pushed before and next thing I heard was my baby's hesitant cry and my OB explaining to my husband why she had to use forceps. She was talking a mile a minute. Then the doctor to my right, I think she was a pedia, said to me quietly, "Congratulations! You have a baby boy!" I tell you, at that moment it didn't quite register to me just yet.

Ito yung medyo nahimasmasan na si Mr. L at nag-picture na siya LOL!
Look at that baby! Nakadikit talaga siya kaagad sa'kin huhu! Adorbs!

I do not remember this. I asked Mr. L what was this doctor doing
kasi mukhang sasampalin niya ako hahaha!
He said she was asking me how many fingers I see.
Hala eh di ko maalala, I asked him what I answered,
di niya na rin daw maalala hahaha!

Then they put the baby on my breast for our first skin-to-skin contact when I glimpsed his widdle penis and that's when I thought, "bakit may pototoy?" and then one of the doctors said to Mr. L, "Oh daddy, hindi ka ba magpi picture?" hahaha! Natulala na yung asawa ko eh! Sobrang funny nung moment. So "us". Hahaha!

When the nurse asked for his change of clothes, towel, and swaddle, yung pink talaga ang pinadala ng asawa ko eh hahaha! Yun naman kasi ang ibinilin ko sa kanya. Everyone who saw our baby at the Recovery Room commented on how cute our baby girl is and I was too tired and also too mischievous to correct them.

Aminin na nating ang chaka ko dito pero dedma na,
first family picture namin to eh!

This was when he was first wheeled into our room.
Their first itay-and-son photo. Oh diba pink? Ang cute cute huhu!

Over the next couple of days, it's been kind of a challenge to alter our mindset. Although we are just as happy that we have a boy, we have been expecting for a baby girl for months and what with our baby wearing pink stuff (hahaha!) we sort of still thought that he was a girl.

It was just for a couple of days though. Ngayon okay na.

What a nice surprise, having a boy. I can't wait to see the bond he and my husband will form in the years to come. We're excited to raise a man who will treat women the way they (we) deserve to be treated. I'm grateful we are given this opportunity to raise a human being and we're determined to do right by it.

At 'yan and delivery story ko na mix of pain, suspense, gore, and comedy hihi!

For my son's Itay

Because last night was such a busy night for the infant and me, I woke up this morning groggy and devoid of energy. The pain meds prescribed by my doctor also ended today so I was tired and in pain, a tough combination. As a result, it felt like lachrymosity has taken over my range of emotions for the day.

Lucky for me, my husband takes care of just about everything while I can't seem to do much else but feed the baby. So let me honor ze husband in this hurried post while the baby sleeps.

My father passed away when I was a baby and because of it I had this impression when I was a kid that fathers are scary. It was because whenever I'm playing with my friends, they would all be ready to go home once their fathers call for them. Ewan ko ba, my uncles weren't scary but somehow yun ang tumatak sa 'kin. I haven't really thought about this for a long time, I just remembered because seeing how gentle my husband can be to our little one, it's such a contrast to the perception of the kid me.

I need not tell you that my temper has been short since I gave birth, I'm not sure if it's post-partum depression kicking in. I'll tell you, though, that I have never felt more glad for Mr. L.

I'll tell you how he gave up smoking almost two years ago so he can be healthier. One of the best gifts I've ever gotten!

I'll tell you that he'd wake me up when there's already food on the table and all of our baby's laundry are done.

I'll tell you that amidst fatherhood, a grumpy and tired wife, and an inconsiderate landlady who's kicking us out in four weeks, he's already found several places where we can move.

I'll tell you that with me working freelance jobs and he as a government employee earning modestly, he was still able to save up for my delivery in just less than a year! Ang contribution ko lang talaga ay ang mga gamit ni baby at ang mismong pagdadalang-tao. Hahaha!

I'll tell you how he carefully thinks which dishes to prepare to help me produce more milk for our baby.

I'll tell you how he has suddenly been able to talk to people; hospital staff, doctors, cashiers, etc. when normally he shies away even from something so normal like ordering food. Most of the time lets me do all the talking but at the hospital, he managed very well in talking to such a lot of strangers! Haha!

I'll tell you how he holds our baby ever so gently.

I'll tell you how he wakes up early every morning to have our baby soak up some Vitamin D.

I'll tell you how he is already thinking of ways how we can earn more to save up for the baby's future.

There is so much more I can tell you but I'm short of time. Sleeping baby is starting to stir. I can try to tell you how much I love him and grateful for him but there are no words for that. Eme!! Hahaha!

Hala na, tama na 'tong kakornihan! Next time totoo na, 'yung delivery story naman, hilarious yun eh, para maiba.

I'm In Love

More times than I can remember, I've been told that once you have a child, you'll know love like you've never known before. Although it happens differently for every parent, they almost always end up the same way, loving someone so deeply it hurts.

Some parents fall in love with their kid at first sight, some while their baby was still inside the womb, for some it happens months after birth. Let me tell you mine.

What I used to tell my friends when I was still pregnant was that I fear that one day, after giving birth, I'd just wake up and prepare to go out of the house and totally forget that I have  a baby until I'm already far from home. I was assured it wouldn't happen but knowing myself, it was more than just a joke, it was a real worry for me! Haha!

After giving birth, as in just hours later, while I was in the Recovery Room, a nurse brought me our baby for feeding. I remember thinking "Oh, what a cute and fragile thing! Surely it isn't right to put this precious creature under my care!" Over the next hours and days after delivery, while everyone else focused on who the baby takes after, whose eyes, whose features, my energy was directed on processing information from nurses and doctors on how to properly hold the baby, how to breastfeed, how to bathe, etc. Mainly I was zeroing in on not dropping my kid and making sure it gets fed and is comfy and safe.

Because I was too focused on procedures, the emotions took a backseat. Let me be clear, I am happy with our baby right from the start, it's just that there was a lot to process (plus, I was also still dealing with a lot of physical pain) it was kind of difficult to focus on just the happiness of the event.

I'm more of "easing in" into this whole thing. I take everything one task at a time. As in, "we were able to change diapers with no accidents yay!" or "look at that, I picked up the baby with all my hands coordinating with each other! I'm legit!" and I'm not even kidding haha! Let me also just say that I wouldn't have survived the past week without all the help from my mother-in-law. I'm so glad she was here! She's leaving today and it will be my mother who will come to help my husband and me out starting next week naman. We're so lucky.

Eto na, last Friday, when our baby was just three days old, I was breastfeeding and all of a sudden I hear this sound like that of a rubber lid being pulled out and I realized it was my baby pulling away from my breast. I looked at the baby's face and I saw that it was all purple all over the mouth and face! I screamed! It was probably just for a second because as I was screaming, the baby's color went back to normal as it cried.

Can you imagine what my heart felt like at that moment? I can't even put it into words. I felt like my chest was being squeezed and that a pot of boiling water exploded from inside my stomach and spread out to every inch of my body. Good thing my MIL took the baby from me because all my muscles felt like they turned into jelly. I was so freaked out I couldn't even cry!

Apparently, this normally happens to babies. According to a pedia friend and also Google(hehe), when infants suckle too much during feeding, it sometimes forgets (? sort of) to inhale that's why they turn blue. Meaning, mommies should be attentive when feeding to make sure the babies don't suffocate.

Even now, upon remembering that moment, I still feel like crying. I think that was the instant I felt that I'm moving mountains for this little one. I think that was when the floodgate of my motherly mushiness was opened. Now, like what I've heard of before, it does feel like my heart is outside of my body and has taken the shape of this tiny human being who can barely support its own head. I don't know how I can survive the rest of my life like this huhu! How does anyone?

It's different for every parent yet all love stories are just as beautiful as the other. It just so happens that my story involves nerves and OMG ganito pala maging nanay!

Sigh! I'm feeling all sorts of weepy now but I have to go get some sleep, feeding time is in less than two hours. Next post, I'll tell you about the surprise that is our little baby boy. Yes, we have a boy. Haha! A story for another day.