I'm In Love

More times than I can remember, I've been told that once you have a child, you'll know love like you've never known before. Although it happens differently for every parent, they almost always end up the same way, loving someone so deeply it hurts.

Some parents fall in love with their kid at first sight, some while their baby was still inside the womb, for some it happens months after birth. Let me tell you mine.

What I used to tell my friends when I was still pregnant was that I fear that one day, after giving birth, I'd just wake up and prepare to go out of the house and totally forget that I have  a baby until I'm already far from home. I was assured it wouldn't happen but knowing myself, it was more than just a joke, it was a real worry for me! Haha!

After giving birth, as in just hours later, while I was in the Recovery Room, a nurse brought me our baby for feeding. I remember thinking "Oh, what a cute and fragile thing! Surely it isn't right to put this precious creature under my care!" Over the next hours and days after delivery, while everyone else focused on who the baby takes after, whose eyes, whose features, my energy was directed on processing information from nurses and doctors on how to properly hold the baby, how to breastfeed, how to bathe, etc. Mainly I was zeroing in on not dropping my kid and making sure it gets fed and is comfy and safe.

Because I was too focused on procedures, the emotions took a backseat. Let me be clear, I am happy with our baby right from the start, it's just that there was a lot to process (plus, I was also still dealing with a lot of physical pain) it was kind of difficult to focus on just the happiness of the event.

I'm more of "easing in" into this whole thing. I take everything one task at a time. As in, "we were able to change diapers with no accidents yay!" or "look at that, I picked up the baby with all my hands coordinating with each other! I'm legit!" and I'm not even kidding haha! Let me also just say that I wouldn't have survived the past week without all the help from my mother-in-law. I'm so glad she was here! She's leaving today and it will be my mother who will come to help my husband and me out starting next week naman. We're so lucky.

Eto na, last Friday, when our baby was just three days old, I was breastfeeding and all of a sudden I hear this sound like that of a rubber lid being pulled out and I realized it was my baby pulling away from my breast. I looked at the baby's face and I saw that it was all purple all over the mouth and face! I screamed! It was probably just for a second because as I was screaming, the baby's color went back to normal as it cried.

Can you imagine what my heart felt like at that moment? I can't even put it into words. I felt like my chest was being squeezed and that a pot of boiling water exploded from inside my stomach and spread out to every inch of my body. Good thing my MIL took the baby from me because all my muscles felt like they turned into jelly. I was so freaked out I couldn't even cry!

Apparently, this normally happens to babies. According to a pedia friend and also Google(hehe), when infants suckle too much during feeding, it sometimes forgets (? sort of) to inhale that's why they turn blue. Meaning, mommies should be attentive when feeding to make sure the babies don't suffocate.

Even now, upon remembering that moment, I still feel like crying. I think that was the instant I felt that I'm moving mountains for this little one. I think that was when the floodgate of my motherly mushiness was opened. Now, like what I've heard of before, it does feel like my heart is outside of my body and has taken the shape of this tiny human being who can barely support its own head. I don't know how I can survive the rest of my life like this huhu! How does anyone?

It's different for every parent yet all love stories are just as beautiful as the other. It just so happens that my story involves nerves and OMG ganito pala maging nanay!

Sigh! I'm feeling all sorts of weepy now but I have to go get some sleep, feeding time is in less than two hours. Next post, I'll tell you about the surprise that is our little baby boy. Yes, we have a boy. Haha! A story for another day.