My Breastfeeding Frustrations

Months before I even gave birth, I was already resolute on breastfeeding. I read a lot about it too; how your supply replenishes and increases when your baby latches more and more often, about how some mothers unfortunately stop breastfeeding their babies because they think they are low on milk supply, I read about galactagogues, etc. My husband has been very supportive too. He started bringing home malunggay and has been cooking dishes with lots of sabaw during my last trimester. Even when I used to hate milk and oatmeal, I started to incorporate them into my diet, milk first then later on the oatmeal.

TMC, where I gave birth, is a hospital that advocates breastfeeding and I am forever grateful to the nurses who taught me how to make my baby properly latch and who encouraged me that my baby was getting enough nutrition even when I don't feel that I have a lot of milk. 

During Pablo's first month, I exclusively breastfed him. There were very very few instances when he was given formula but I can say that 90% of the time he is breastfed. He used to feed for about four hours at a time, crying whenever I put him down but it just made me happy because the more he sucks the more that my brain is sending the signal to my breasts to produce more milk, right?

Some of my friends advised me to pump but whenever I do, I'm only able to extract a few drops! As in gapatak! Mas malalaki pa yung patak ng luha ko! I didn't lose my determination though because I've read that pumping milk does not produce as much milk as when you direct feed your baby. When one of my breasts became too sore, I fed Pablo solely on my right breast while the other one heals. My husband came home with a new breast pump because we thought the one we already have is faulty. I was expecting my left breast to harden up or at least leak milk but none of that happened. Not even when he got me an electric breast pump. I also never experienced my breasts filling up to the point that it becomes painful but I only attributed it to the fact that my little Pablo never really gave it a chance because he was almost always latched on to me. Tig four hours talaga with just an hour in-between na pahinga eh! Pero go lang because I was advised  by the pedia to feed on demand.

I got passive-aggressive comments when people noticed that Pablo seems to not be growing or gaining weight but I brushed it off. I've read somewhere that breastfed babies aren't chubby like formula-fed milk babies because breastmilk don't have a lot of calories. Isip ko, as long as Pablo is healthy it's okay even if he's not chubby. I was thinking, I KNOW what I'm doing. After all, I'm giving my son the BEST milk there is.

The thing is, when we went back to the pedia when Pablo was a month and two weeks old, we found out that he only gained 200 grams! 200 grams! What? I was asked if I feed on demand, how often, and how long. In the end, they recommended that I mix feed with an organic formula, "just until he gains the expected weight" sabi. It broke my heart. I was grilling myself what I did or didn't do. Maybe I didn't drink enough milk? Or water? Maybe I didn't eat enough malunggay? Maybe because I took the supplements at the wrong time of the day? 

I almost detest preparing the formula and only give it to my son if after he breastfeeds he still seems restless and dissatisfied. Over the following weeks, though, I have observed Pablo gaining weight rapidly. He now fits snugly into his onesies. He also seems more alert now that he actually has a lot more time to do something else aside from just being latched on to me for the most part of the day.

It is bittersweet seeing him grow in formula milk. Sweet because oh how I love that he has grown so much in just a month! Sweet because I love having more time just looking at him and appreciating him. But bitter because it just reaffirms the thought that my breastmilk supply is low and that he wasn't getting enough during his first month and it just breaks my heart over again.

To add to that, I've been getting even more passive-aggressive comments(from fellow moms no less!) about how my son was deprived of milk. Deprived. Deprived! Deprived? As if I had all this milk but just wasn't giving it to him. As if I could have given him all the milk he needed but I just didn't WANT to.

Was my son deprived when I was feeding him for four hours at a time rarely being able to do much else? Was my son deprived when aside from drinking, taking, slurping all those galactagogues I was also digesting books and articles about how to increase my milk supply? Was my son deprived when I fed him as long as he needed to even when my nipples were broken, my back hurt like hell, and my mind clouded with lack of sleep? Was he deprived when I was messaging fellow moms about tips on increasing my milk supply? Kulang na lang magmakaawa ako sa Breastfeeding Pinays sa Facebook na i-approve na please ang request ko to join - which they still haven't, by the way. I wonder why.

My heart aches because I already think that I'm a bad mother. I did what I believed was right. I only wanted the best for my baby. Even the formula milk ads do say that breastmilk is the BEST, after all. Then why? Why did my son not gain enough weight? Why don't my breasts fill up? Why don't I have a lot of milk? 'Yung iba nga nagdo-donate pa sa sobrang dami. So it doesn't really help that other mothers seem more and more smug seeing my Pablo gain weight on formula milk because then it gives them more license to say, "I told you so".

Our Pablo is a little bit older than two months now and he has visibly gained weight. I am still not giving up on breastfeeding. Even when he's more excited to feed on bottles now. Huhu!  Even when it is easier to just whip out the formula milk when he gets hungry during the small hours of the day. Even when I get comparative comments I don't like from when I was exclusively breastfeeding and now that he is mix-fed. Even when I work doubly hard in pumping, drinking milk with oatmeal(three times a day yan), drinking two glasses of mother's milk everyday, and taking supplements. Lahat na! Kahit lansang-lansa ako sa sabaw gora lang! Kahit tagaktak ang pawis "tea, milk, at sabaw is life" pa din!

I've been feeling that my breasts have become painful lately, nagli-leak na din sila. When I pump, I get as much as half an ounce. Improvement! Mukhang nag-iincrease naman ang milk supply pero kulang pa din. Oh, I really hope my milk supply increases! I really really want the best for my baby. I also badly need support from breastfeeding mothers. Can someone please approve me in the Breastfeeding Pinays FB page? Can I sit on your cool table, pretty please?