Motherhood is...

Motherhood is weird. Motherhood is love. Also, motherhood is hard. It's hard enough away from the prying eyes of other people. Even made more difficult when after a sleepless night (more like sleepless week, really) you hear criticisms about how you take care of your child. Yes, I'm faaarrr from perfect and I'm open to finding and doing new ways to be a better mother. It's just that sometimes the criticisms are overwhelming.

That's why nothing beats moments with Pablo that we share in private; moments that I spend just enjoying the softness of his little body in my arms, the warmth of his kili-kili, the happiness in his laughter. Those are the moments unseen by others but those are the moments that are just ours. Untarnished by the presence of unwanted people (haha) and free from the judgy stares of many.

I may not be the perfect mother but I am Pablo's favorite human being. Me and his dadey. So whatever anyone else says, when it comes down to it, Pablo will choose to be by our side any time of day. Bow.

Home and Holidays

Two weeks ago, my household traveled to our hometown for a weeklong vacation. Stopping in front of our rented house after our long drive back, the phrase "home sweet home" came to mind but was immediately followed by "but this is not my home". What a strange and sad thought but there it is.

It dawned on me that I don't consider this house my home after all. The only homes I have ever considered was the home I grew up in, and the apartment I stayed in alone before getting married. I guess that's why my husband and I are working so hard so we can afford a house, to have a place that we can call our own.

For years now we've been living with his siblings and don't get me wrong, it's been good, we just want to move forward and settle on our own, have a place where we can call our own; fill it with our memories, decorate as our own, and create traditions in.

The feeling is stronger these days, maybe because of the holidays fast approaching. Lately I just want to throw everything away haha! Even my own clothes! The house is filled with our clutter - I'm probably the contributor of the most clutter - it's so unkempt and I don't know where to start. During the weekday I plan to clean up and then come Saturday I either just sleep or leave the house. :(

I have to shake this feeling off and make the place feel homey. It may not be my strongest suit but maybe I can try, yeah? At least for Pablo.

I'm quite excited for Christmas actually, it's just the days leading up to it can be taxing both physically and mentally. No one else can make it feel like a home for me but myself. Anyway, wherever my mag-ama is, is my home. Might as well make the best of it.