Paano na lang kung wala ako?

A few months ago, while prepping to do the laundry I noticed that there was a little hole in the water hose so I asked Mr. L to fix it for me. He started telling me to cut the hose and I didn't really pay attention but just asked him to do it himself. While heading out of the room he said, "paano na lang kung wala ako?" and to spite him I shot back with, "eh di maghahanap ng ibang gagawa!"

Honestly, I don't know what I'd do without him. So much so that I get agitated when he's not around. When he tells he has to be out of town for work for a few days, I get palpitations and I just panic. #clingy LOL! He jokingly accuses me that I don't "support" him. But I do. I really do. I just don't support him being away from me! Hehe. How dare he ask what I'd do without him? As if it isn't obvious enough I'm pretty helpless. *I'm rolling my eyes*

I really hate it whenever my husband asks me, "paano na lang kung wala ako" because I can NEVER imagine life without him. Even when we fight and he starts to walk away I stop him. I just cannot without him.

With the recent death of Kobe Bryant, I have found myself inwardly crying for his wife, Vanessa, who lost her daughter and husband on the same day. It must be unbearable. I would never know what to do in her situation. No amount of wealth can ever console a wife who lost a well-loved husband and daughter.

Dasal lang talaga besh, no? We are not sure if we're going to be here tomorrow so cliché man, we'd have to live our lives to the fullest, love our hardest, hug our tightest, and give it our bestest.

Motherhood is...

Motherhood is weird. Motherhood is love. Also, motherhood is hard. It's hard enough away from the prying eyes of other people. Even made more difficult when after a sleepless night (more like sleepless week, really) you hear criticisms about how you take care of your child. Yes, I'm faaarrr from perfect and I'm open to finding and doing new ways to be a better mother. It's just that sometimes the criticisms are overwhelming.

That's why nothing beats moments with Pablo that we share in private; moments that I spend just enjoying the softness of his little body in my arms, the warmth of his kili-kili, the happiness in his laughter. Those are the moments unseen by others but those are the moments that are just ours. Untarnished by the presence of unwanted people (haha) and free from the judgy stares of many.

I may not be the perfect mother but I am Pablo's favorite human being. Me and his dadey. So whatever anyone else says, when it comes down to it, Pablo will choose to be by our side any time of day. Bow.

Home and Holidays

Two weeks ago, my household traveled to our hometown for a weeklong vacation. Stopping in front of our rented house after our long drive back, the phrase "home sweet home" came to mind but was immediately followed by "but this is not my home". What a strange and sad thought but there it is.

It dawned on me that I don't consider this house my home after all. The only homes I have ever considered was the home I grew up in, and the apartment I stayed in alone before getting married. I guess that's why my husband and I are working so hard so we can afford a house, to have a place that we can call our own.

For years now we've been living with his siblings and don't get me wrong, it's been good, we just want to move forward and settle on our own, have a place where we can call our own; fill it with our memories, decorate as our own, and create traditions in.

The feeling is stronger these days, maybe because of the holidays fast approaching. Lately I just want to throw everything away haha! Even my own clothes! The house is filled with our clutter - I'm probably the contributor of the most clutter - it's so unkempt and I don't know where to start. During the weekday I plan to clean up and then come Saturday I either just sleep or leave the house. :(

I have to shake this feeling off and make the place feel homey. It may not be my strongest suit but maybe I can try, yeah? At least for Pablo.

I'm quite excited for Christmas actually, it's just the days leading up to it can be taxing both physically and mentally. No one else can make it feel like a home for me but myself. Anyway, wherever my mag-ama is, is my home. Might as well make the best of it.

Older

My husband and I found a little time to go out for a little bit and watch a movie last night. A trailer came on of the new Terminator movie and I don't know why but we were shocked that Arnold Schwarzenegger and Linda Hamilton are now old! In our heads, they're supposed to still be young and wrinkle-free. 

The next trailer came on and more celebrities that are still young in our heads are now actually old! We were like, what happened to these people? Bakit ang tanda na nila? Haha! 

I guess the reason for our shock was the accompanying realization na matanda na kami haha. Ito nga'ng seemingly ageless stars nag-age na, kami pa kaya.

Minsan ganon no? We get so caught up with the surge of all the events in our lives, big or small, that by the time we are able to come up for air, lumipas na pala ang panahon. 

Kung dati parang ang tagal ng isang taon, ngayon years just blur into each other. Is it our memories getting less and less reliable or are the days just going by faster and faster? Nakakatakot.

Personally, I feel like I've aged more the past two years than I have the first 30+ years of my life before that. Was it just three years ago that I was working freelance, didn't care about health benefits, and only planned ahead until the next weekend?

I didn't think I'd capable of it but I feel like I am finally catching up to my age. Akala ko forever na akong "Feeling 22" haha!

Seriously though, I was reminded that everyday is a gift and that I should not take it for granted. I'm lucky I got to this age and got to experience the stuff I did. I am grateful I got to marry the love of my life and have a lovely lovely son with him. I am hopeful we'd get to see him grow up, be with him as he navigated the up and downs and bumps in life.

When I was younger I thought life was it. Akala yun na yon. Hindi pala. Life has so much more. There is so much more to see, experience, and feel. I do feel older but I am hoping to have more years still.

Is this it?

Working freelance has been ideal. I get to choose my projects, I can manage my time, I get to weed out stressful clients (hehe!) and the money is good too!

The downside is irregular paychecks and the absence of health benefits. Things that didn't bother me before.

Now that Pablo is here, though, I've been thinking a lot about applying for a regular job. Yes, it will mean less time with Pablo (huhuhu!) but it will also mean health benefits that will cover the three of us (me, Pablo and Mr. L). It would also mean regular paychecks that we can count on.

Nag-iiba na pala talaga kapag nanay na ano? I used to just think about myself, about what I want, about my dreams, about what is ideal for me. My family has always been supportive of me exploring whichever career I want to explore. Before Mr. L and I got married, he already knew that I'm still taking a lot of detours and twists and turns in my career path and he had no qualms about it. Even until now.

Right now though, I'm about to  make a decision on which path to follow. It's something that I've always wanted to do but have put off because I've always felt that I wasn't ready yet. There was just a lot of ground I wanted to cover first  and now that I have satiated my hunger for experience in various fields, I think I'm ready to settle down now. Charet! Haha!

I don't mean to be cryptic. I just don't want to divulge any half-baked information yet. Hehe. I can only hope that the universe will once again conspire to help me out. ♥️

Photo from Pexels.com

11 Things About Delivery No One Else Will Tell You

When I was pregnant, all I had to do was download apps like What To Expect, visit different websites, and message friends/medical practitioners whenever I needed to find out more about my baby's development inside my tummy, about baby's first weeks of life, about parenting, or if there's just something I'm worried about. Technology really is a blessing especially for first-time mothers like me.

Admittedly though, I could not get enough of information for when I'm actually in the Labor Room. Being an imaginative person, I created different scenarios in my mind starting from when I would be in labor up to coming home with our new baby.

When I actually got there, I realized there are a lot of details from the reading materials I've devoured. I wished I could have mentally prepared myself more.

So first-time preggers, I got you! I'm listing down the small yet important details I should have mentally prepared myself for. Of course your experience could be different from mine. I just think, in one way or another, that these might help you somehow. 

BABALA: This can be graphic so for anyone with a weak stomach, hindi 'to para sa inyo.  

For one, I didn't know labor involved A LOT OF URINATING, so the first items all involve peeing. 

See how they are working on me down there? Awkward bes
but that's a fact of life.

1. MY URGE TO PEE DOUBLED. I know for a fact and by experience that pregnant women pee every so often but while I was in the Labor Room (LR) it seemed like my urge to pee even doubled! Maya't-maya nawiwi ako and because I got into the LR at 4CM, the doctors wouldn't allow me to get up from my bed anymore so I had to..

2. PEE ON A BEDPAN. Nakakaloka 'to kasi hindi talaga ako nakapag prepare para dito neveor read this anywhere so I was a bit horrified at first but because the call of nature was very strong, I just had to do it! I've never peed on a bedpan before nor do I know anyone who had to so I didn't know that.. 

3. PEOPLE HAD TO HELP ME PEE on the bedpan. Grabe dyahe! I know they are professional medical practitioners and that these are all in a day's work for them, still, sana man lang naihanda ko ang sarili ko. Eh maya't-maya nawiwiwi ako. Minsan nga pinipigilan ko na lang :( 

4. MY WATER BAG HAD TO BE POPPED. When I was at 7CM, one of the doctors told me they had to pop my water bag, this will speed up delivery daw. It didn't hurt because I was well into epidural at the time but when I saw the device they used to pop my waterbag, juskoday naloka ako! 

5. DRAINED MY WATER BAG USING A TUBE. They had to insert a tube inside me and drained my water bag while there were..

6. PEOPLE WATCHING. And when I say "me" I mean my mini me down there. It was very unnerving but yes, they watched as fluid drained out through the tube. After that, from peeing on a bedpan, I moved on to..

7. PEEING ON A DRY SHEET. They had to put a dry sheet on my bed when they popped my water bag and because as my contractions grew stronger and more frequent, I could not hold in my pee anymore. Kusa na lang siyang nagti-tinkle. 

There was also a point where my OB requested for a urinalysis (I don't know if it is SOP or if it was just because my BP was high) and so the person that collected my urine HAD TO watch me pee because she had to catch the midstream urine. 

Kaya pa? I TOLD YOU this could get graphic. HAHA!

8. THERE WERE SEVERAL INTERNAL EXAMS (IE) I don't know what I expected! I just know that although necessary I detest IEs and I did not expect there would be quite a few before delivery. It was uncomfortable every single time except once the epidural kicked in.

9. PREPARE TO GET NAKED. Hindi ko alam if you can tell by my photos pero hindi ako kasing kinis at kasing sexy ni Christine Reyes. I know, shocking right? Hence, my distress in showing a lot of skin. I'm not really conservative, I'm just conscious haha! That's why I felt really awkward when I had to be butt-naked pala when they were putting in the epidural line and that there will be LOTS of people at the Delivery Room! As I've said, wala lang naman sa kanila yun because they're all professionals but if you're a conservative or conscious like me, this is something you have to mentally prepare yourself for. 

10. PUSHING IS HARD. To push hard is hard. Hahaha! Kaya pala there are Lamaze classes to prepare you for all that pushing. Getting instructions when you're being wheeled to the DR can be quite confusing. I was like, why am I hearing this for the first time eh 12 hours na akong nandito? Anyway the instructions I get were: once you feel a contraction take a deep breath then push while counting one to ten, and push using your abdomen not your throat. Practicing breathing techniques will also help a great deal.

11. MENTALLY PREPARE YOURSELF FOR THE PAIN AND DISCOMFORT AFTER DELIVERY. I mentally prepared myself for this because I saw both my sisters give birth and I witnessed how they had to endure pain and discomfort after the delivery. Even so, I still was a bit shocked at how weak my body seemed. For the most part, I was exhausted and aching all over. I also couldn't pee! Huhu! The doctor said my bladder was still getting used to having an enormous pressure having been lifted off it that's why I had difficulty to urinate. There was also another IE (ugh!) and of course the pain from the sutures (although you might not need this if you're lucky).

All in all, I think I fared quite well. I was in awe of almost anything. I love new experiences and perhaps that was why I wasn't scared. I wanted to take everything in. Uncomfortable lang talaga at nakaka-haggard pero doable naman. Generations of women have endured far more discomfort and difficulty in giving birth kaya swerte na talaga tayo ngayon.

Also, worth it naman talaga once your baby is in your arms. Especially when you have moments like this. 

I hope I didn't gross you out too much haha! Ultimately, if you're a first-time pregnant woman about to give birth, I hope this helped. Have a safe delivery!

Creepy events from our apartment

You guys know we recently moved to a new apartment, right? On moving day, my mama, who was visiting from the province, Pablo, and I stayed at my cousin's house for a week while Mr. L prepared the room for us. I know, isn't he a dear? Anyway, we've only been here for about two months pero may mga creepy na pangyayari na. So now we are looking for another place ulit. Kwento ko sa inyo ang mga ganap.

First ganap. The first day Pablo and I stayed at the apartment, it was sunny and humid being at the tail end of summer. Mr. L was at the office and we were in our room. I just put Pablo to sleep when the door slammed shut. There was no wind or else I would have felt it kasi nga super init. The electric fan was also turned away from the door and there wasn't anyone else on the second floor with us at the time. Instead of getting scared, I was actually pissed kasi kakatulog lang talaga ni baby nun eh. So I said, "Pwede ba? Natutulog ang anak ko?!" Buti di naman sumagot hahaha!

Second. My sister-in-law came to our bedroom door late afternoon last week. She said her older sister was experiencing sleep paralysis and when she woke her up, she said she dreamt that a woman was taking Pablo away. Natakot ako pinabuksan ko lahat ng ilaw!

Third. Later that afternoon, I was downstairs breastfeeding Pablo and talking to his great-grandma (Mr. L's grandmother) about how Tita L had a scary dream about a woman taking Pablo away when the electric fan turned off suddenly. Eh mainit so I went over to see what happened. I figured the plug probably came off the outlet kahit na hindi naman loose ang saksakan but no, naka off na yung electric fan. Eh ito yung electric fan na you have to turn a dial to turn it off/on or kung ano'ng mode and bet mo. So ang freaky nung naka-off na sya eh wala namang gumagalaw nung fan.

Fourth and freakiest. That same night, I dreamt that Pablo and I went to the gate of our apartment compound where there was a woman who took interest in Pablo. She reached over daw and touched his feet but I moved away from her. Tapos naputol do'n ang panaginip ko. I woke up and there was a dark greasy girl (oily si ate gurl hahahah) at the bottom of our bed looking at Pablo. I knew immediately I was dreaming because I couldn't move.  I've had experiences with sleep paralysis before so I know that was what's happening. Pero freaky pa din lalo na't kay Pablo nakatingin tapos di talaga nawawala yung oily na ate gurl. Good thing Mr. L heard me trying to sleep shout and woke me up. He later told me that upon going back to sleep, siya naman ang nag sleep paralysis but didn't dream of any dark greasy girls naman.

Last night, Pablo wouldn't go to sleep. He was fussy and wouldn't let us put him down. Actually buong araw siyang gano'n pero inisip ko baka dahil may sinat siya because of the vaccine. Last night he had no fever anymore pero fussy pa din. Ang nakakaloka lang kasi when Mr. L takes him out of the room nakakatulog siya but the minute they enter our room he wakes up with a start and looks around like he's scared and cries so hard. Ngayon nga wala na siyang boses huhu! Kawawa my baby. Mr. L said we'll sleep downstairs so we schlepped our pillows, blankets, Pablo's stuff downstairs and slept in the couch. Nakatulog naman na siya. Although he probably just got tired from all his crying so he's fallen asleep. 

Right now we're back in our bedroom and it took three hours to put him to sleep at ngayon nga ay nakatulog na. We're not taking any chances though. I've been repeatedly praying St. Benedict's prayer, too and we've been playing praise songs. Again, not taking chances with our little one.

We also looked for another place this afternoon and found a nice one. Of course that's not the only reason we're moving but it's certainly among them.

Kayo? Do you believe in the paranormal?

*Photo from Pexels.com