No Pressure

One of the few things I’m proud of about myself is my ability to work under pressure. I have never been at the top of my class, never the smartest friend, never the best employee, but I’ve always been the person who did not let pressure swallow me whole. Kaya hindi ako nagiging best ever kasi nga, di ako nagpapa-pressure hahaha! The thing is, I’ve seen what pressure can do to people and I did not want that for myself. It has always been more important to me to know that I’ve done my best while still being true to myself over than being THE best pero na-compromise naman ang beliefs and ideals ko. Naks! Pero last year, pressure got to me.

2016 was an overwhelming year for me. I got married to the love of my life, I got pregnant two months after the wedding, the films I helped produce both won awards, I got a steady freelancing gig, and more. In short, naka-qouta ako sa major life events nitong 2016. #FeelingBlessed

That’s why I started this blog. I meant it to be an online time capsule for my simple and silly life. Hindi man kasing bongga ang buhay ko (malayo nga eh) ng mga popular bloggers in the world wide web, I still wanted to have my space online where I can write about the things I want to remember. I thought, let this be my version of those photo albums that we used to have at home in the 90s.

During the first couple of months I was able to discipline myself to write; I wrote in advance and made sure there would always be new content every week. My fear of running out of kwento to share proved to be unfounded. Habang nagsusulat ka pala nang nagsusulat, ang dami mong naiisip pang isulat. I found myself enjoying blogging again. For the longest time I was super insecure about my writing that I’d rather not let anyone see them but blogging somehow changed that for me. I was also pleasantly surprised by the response I got. I found out that my Facebook friends read my blog pala, friends and relatives I have not seen nor talked to for a long time told me that they visit my blog and that they like it! It was exciting!

One day, I wrote about something which I knew at the time would get noticed. I just didn’t expect it to gain a lot of attention. As in 60,000 views!!! Naloka ako! Wala pang isang oras nag 5K na ang views and when I woke up the following morning it was 30K at tumaas pa siya nang tumaas in the course of two days! I know hindi naman ito big deal para sa iba but for me who is used to three-digit viewership max, it was wild!

After that, I read a lot of “How To’s” about blogging. Of course I wanted to maintain my thousands of readers! I read sites about how to maintain viewership; what to write, what not to write, and even signed up for some blogging workshops. Karir na itoh! Hahaha! You’d think that after all the knowledge I’ve gained about how to make my blog bongga that I would actually have made it bongga. Instead, I stopped writing. I read my other entries back which were now also gaining attention and I discovered grammatical errors, punctuation marks in wrong places, erroneous spellings! Ugh! Nakakahiya nung naisip kong hala ang daming nakakita. Over the next few weeks I kept thinking about “interesting” and “relevant” things to write about na magugustuhan ng marami but couldn’t find any! Nakaka-frustrate. Plus nawala pa ‘yung unlisurf ng Smart! Grr! Hahaha!

I kept visiting my stats and seeing that there were still people reading or visiting my blog I was like, “andyan pa ba sila?” Hahahaha! Naintimidate ako sa libo-libong readers sa totoo lang and so I took a break. I discovered that when I get pressured pala, I cower. Don’t get me wrong, I know that what happened to my blog was a blessing and I know that it was pretty lousy of me to have not used that opportunity to actually write something more, I don’t know, worthy? But that was the thing, in my desire to give more “worthy” entries, my mind went blank. I was stunted. I didn’t know what to do with my site anymore.

Truth be told, I missed writing, I missed blogging that past couple of months. Kahit na ilang buwan pa lang naman talaga since I started, it was really fun for me! And no, I do not want to drive people away! I do want readers! I just didn’t know what to do when I had them. :( Sadly, my readership trickled back down to nothing (eh kasi di ko naman inalagaan kaya nawala CHAROT!) but it’s okay because I now remember what I originally wanted when I started this blog. I just wanted to write so I can have something in the future to read about my life, my thoughts, my memories.  I also wanted to maybe reach out to other newly married women out there who do not feel quite “wifely” just yet, doon sa mga nangangapa sa bagong role in life katulad ko. Yun ang gusto ko. I also remembered that even when I had lots or just a handful of readers, it didn’t really matter as long as I wrote sincerely. So eto, I am writing again and "no, I am not feeling any pressure right now!" ;P Deadma na sa (hopefully minimal) grammatical errors, amateur blog layout, and lack of "click-bait" words. This is where I'm comfortable at! This is what I like! I can only hope that you like it too.

Ang haba na nito. Salamat naman kung inilaban mo hanggang dulo hahaha! I really appreciate your visiting my blog and for giving time to read. I hope I can be a more responsible writer from hereon after. My 60,000 readers may have long since gone but having just one genuine one is more than enough for me. Happy 2017!