Paano na lang kung wala ako?

A few months ago, while prepping to do the laundry I noticed that there was a little hole in the water hose so I asked Mr. L to fix it for me. He started telling me to cut the hose and I didn't really pay attention but just asked him to do it himself. While heading out of the room he said, "paano na lang kung wala ako?" and to spite him I shot back with, "eh di maghahanap ng ibang gagawa!"

Honestly, I don't know what I'd do without him. So much so that I get agitated when he's not around. When he tells he has to be out of town for work for a few days, I get palpitations and I just panic. #clingy LOL! He jokingly accuses me that I don't "support" him. But I do. I really do. I just don't support him being away from me! Hehe. How dare he ask what I'd do without him? As if it isn't obvious enough I'm pretty helpless. *I'm rolling my eyes*

I really hate it whenever my husband asks me, "paano na lang kung wala ako" because I can NEVER imagine life without him. Even when we fight and he starts to walk away I stop him. I just cannot without him.

With the recent death of Kobe Bryant, I have found myself inwardly crying for his wife, Vanessa, who lost her daughter and husband on the same day. It must be unbearable. I would never know what to do in her situation. No amount of wealth can ever console a wife who lost a well-loved husband and daughter.

Dasal lang talaga besh, no? We are not sure if we're going to be here tomorrow so cliché man, we'd have to live our lives to the fullest, love our hardest, hug our tightest, and give it our bestest.

Motherhood is...

Motherhood is weird. Motherhood is love. Also, motherhood is hard. It's hard enough away from the prying eyes of other people. Even made more difficult when after a sleepless night (more like sleepless week, really) you hear criticisms about how you take care of your child. Yes, I'm faaarrr from perfect and I'm open to finding and doing new ways to be a better mother. It's just that sometimes the criticisms are overwhelming.

That's why nothing beats moments with Pablo that we share in private; moments that I spend just enjoying the softness of his little body in my arms, the warmth of his kili-kili, the happiness in his laughter. Those are the moments unseen by others but those are the moments that are just ours. Untarnished by the presence of unwanted people (haha) and free from the judgy stares of many.

I may not be the perfect mother but I am Pablo's favorite human being. Me and his dadey. So whatever anyone else says, when it comes down to it, Pablo will choose to be by our side any time of day. Bow.

Clark: Month 2

I can't believe it's been two months already! How amazing our little boy is. He has truly changed our lives these past two months and I can only hope that we get better at parenting.

Here are 10 things about Clark at 2 months

1. He sleeps less now
2. He is more aware of his surroundings. He seems to be taking in the people, sounds, colors, and everything around him now.
3. He smiles a lot!
4. He is more mobile now. He reaches his hand out to touch whoever is holding him. He kicks and kicks his little cutie feet!
5. He smells soooo good!
6. He loves being held.
7. He falls asleep to humming and dance dance.
8. He likes exposing his neck when you carry him haha!
9. He loves hugs from Itay. He falls asleep on his chest.
10. He coos and ahhs and makes adorable sounds.
    
    

Etiquette for Housemates

Before I got married, I had my own apartment for half of a decade. Although I've lived alternately with a roommate and by myself, the place was mine. My room was bigger than the roommate's and most of the stuff in the apartment were mine; TV, ref, utensils, etc. I got so used to having my own place that it was quite an adjustment for me living in a house with Mr. L and his siblings.

Don't get me wrong, I like my in-laws and I'm lucky enough that I married into a family that I get along really well with. I'm writing about this because I do realize that most middle class couples have similar living arrangements, they either live with parents-in-law or, in our case, siblings-in-law. Ideally, we should all have our own place by the time we get married but such is the fate of the middle class in our country. 

I understand that not everyone is blessed with considerate and amiable in-laws like I am. However, I also have to do my share in order to maintain a harmonious relationship with them. Since I also have friends and relatives who have the same living arrangement (some sadly do not get along well with their housemates), let me list some reminder items of sorts on how to maintain a positive environment whether you're living with in-laws or with other people in general.

Observe respect and be considerate of others. I think this is the key on how to get along with the people under the same roof as you. Ito na yun! Wala na talaga akong ibang tip hahaha! Choss lang. Seriously though, if you respect your housemates, you will find that everything else will follow suit. So that's number one.

Clean up after yourself. Since you're living with other people, make sure that you do your part in taking care of your home. If you're not keen on General Cleaning like me (hehe), then at least make sure that you don't leave your trash lying around. A wise former teacher of mine told us once, "kung ayaw mong maglinis, huwag kang magkalat." I've lived by that rule ever since. Kung nagkakalat man ako kwarto ko lang para walang ibang napeperwisyo haha! This is simple; wash the dishes you used yourself, throw your empty shampoo sachets after you shower, put the remote back where it's supposed to be after watching TV, etc. Very small things but you'll be surprised how many relationships have been ruined because of these so be mindful.

What's theirs isn't yours. This could be tricky because living together somehow blurs the line on which are for sharing and which aren't. Here's a rule of thumb: Stuff that are within your personal space are only yours to use. Stuff in the common area are for sharing. Okay but what about food in the fridge or on the table? Ask. Always ask. If there's no one around and you drank that coke in can, replace it as soon as you get the chance. If you took a slice from the cake(guilty) on the table, tell the "owner" once they're home. These are called courtesy. Again, these are very small things but small things can snowball. Better show courtesy and avoid conflict altogether.

Understand that you have different practices and idiosyncrasies. "Do not do unto others what you do not want others to do unto you" may not necessarily work when you have different backgrounds with your housemates. Sometimes you may do something for them that they do not necessarily appreciate but this does not mean that they are automatically ungrateful, sadyang magkaiba lang talaga kayo ng nakasanayan and that's okay. You just have to adjust. You and your housemates also have different moods, there could be really good days then really bad days. Don't take it personally if at times they don't seem keen to talk to you, baka bad mood lang. Don't jump into conclusions. If they are being rude, tell them so, I'm sure they don't mean to be rude half the time.

Don't be petty. So I mentioned that small things add up and they can actually cause damage to your relationship with your housemates, oh eh pag maliit na bagay palampasin mo na, ikaw naman. I know that when you're in a bad mood, these little things that irk you can be magnified ten times pero choose your battles. Hinga-hinga lang tapos palampasin mo na. Huwag magtanim ng sama ng loob dahil lang may kumagat sa donut mo'ng iniwan mo sa ref. Bili ka na lang ulit. If this happens a lot then say something but nicely, wag naman "SINO NA NAMAN ANG KUMAIN NG DONUT KO?!?" Ako kasi yung tagakain ng donut, sorry na hahaha!

Respect others' privacy. Growing up, I didn't have a room of my own. When I was a kid, our entire second floor was our sleeping area. Our personal space was where our bed was. I didn't have my own kasi lagi akong nakasiksik sa mama ko haha. This fact could have impaired my view of privacy. I used to just barge into people's rooms all the time. That changed when I lived with my sister and her husband. I do not go into their room with my brother-in-law there. I learned to respect their privacy. Now I'm conscious with knocking, calling out, asking permission before I come inside other people's rooms, if at all.

Advise your housemates if you have visitors coming. When you're at home, you're supposedly at your most comfortable; feet up, bra off, short shorts, you get the picture. Now Imagine your housemate walking in on you with a visitor, you scramble to get your feet off the couch, you slouch hoping they don't notice that you're braless, you get your stuff out of the way, the works! Hassle diba? Also, consider if you have enough space for you, your housemates, and the visitors. Observe common courtesy and give a "warning" when someone's coming just to make sure that everyone is okay with it.

My siblings-in-law actually quite spoil me, they bring food up to our room when I'm cooped up in there with the baby but they don't hold it against me (I hope haha) that I don't do the same for them. Perhaps one day I can return the favor. In the meantime I do my part by religiously washing my own dishes right after I use them, by not helping myself to their food from the ref (well, except for that donut, and cake, and buko pie. Ano ba papalitan ko okay?? Hahaha!) and by making myself scarce when they have visitors, etc. Minsan, I'm not in a good mood and I think it shows when I scrunch my face up or when I sigh a bit too loudly haha pero they're all very forgiving. I'm lucky.

I know there are probably lots more that I failed to mention and you may not agree with some of what (or everything that) I said but the key is RESPECT and BEING CONSIDERATE. 

I think if you know how to respect your housemates' things, practices, and privacy then you will observe common courtesy. You will be considerate. If they don't always show you the same courtesy, learn to let go if it's not that big a deal. Choose your battles. It's a lot easier to put an effort to get along than live in a negative environment. 

Also, it's not as if this living arrangement will last forever so just make the most out of it. Someday, you'll have good "remember when" stories to tell.

*photo from Pexels.com

Mommy L's Word of the Week: Achievement

Photo from Pexels.com

These days, I have very different definitions for the word "achievement".

Bathing Pablo by myself? Achievement!

Being able to fold and put away the newly laundered clothes? Achievement.

Putting the baby to sleep? Achievement.

Waking up ahead of Pablo feeling alert and well-rested? Achievement.

Also, waking up ahead of the baby and getting a complete breakfast meal? Achievement.

Grabbing a quick lunch on time? Achievement.

Putting on lipstick? Achievement! With an apostrophe no less! Haha

Organizing stuff around the room? Okay, SOME of the stuff in our room. Achievement.

Now that he's a lot more awake than during his first few weeks, putting Pablo to sleep? Achievement.

Getting to win over my husband on Words With Friends? (Hahahaha!) Achievement.

Not being snappish with my poor husband? Achievement. Will try harder, okay?

Getting Pablo on a onesie with sleeves? Achievement.

Being able to post a new blog entry? Achievement.

Oh, I'm such an achiever! 

Mama, I now understand...

Why you always stayed up late when I was a kid. I couldn't go to bed without you beside me so I always waited up no matter how many times you told me to go ahead and sleep.

It wasn't because you weren't sleepy yet. It wasn't because you liked staying up late. It was because you still had a lot of preparing, chopping, marinating to do for the menu the following day. You worked hard and at odd hours for our little restaurant to make sure that we would always have enough to live by.

I now understand why you got mad when I wasn't home on time. Why you had to drive your boyish motorcycle to my school to look for me on days that I'm not home when I should be.

It wasn't because I broke your rules. It was because you were worried something might have happened to me. You must have been nervous to begin with. Nerves that turned into panic when you couldn't find me immediately. Panic that turned into relief and then anger upon finding out I was just playing under the sun after all, without a care if you were worried or not.

I now understand why you were always reluctant to let me go to parties (acquaintance parties, school dances, etc.). I had to beg, and scheme, and escape just to be able to get out of the house.

It wasn't because you didn't want me to have fun with my friends. It was because you know that a lot of nasty things happen at parties and you didn't want me to experience any of it. 

I now understand why you always give directions in detail, (as in go to this certain mall, go up the escalator to your left, go inside the store named "whatever", ask the manager if they have a stock of this and that, tell him it's important etc.) it wasn't because you think I couldn't handle the task, it was because you always want to make things easier for me.

I now understand why you had doubts when I told you a BPO company asked me to come for an interview at ten o'clock at night. You asked what kind of an office gives final interviews at ten at night. I told you BPO companies do.

It wasn't because you think I was lying, it was because you weren't worried about me. You always are. What with the news loaded of stories about missing people, I now know you just wanted to make sure I am always safe.

I now understand why you were strict and firm with us when we were young; no boyfriend until we finish school, no dating, no smoking AT ANY AGE, make sure we are courted at home, etc.

It wasn't because you just wanted us to follow your rules. It was because you wanted to make sure we'd finish school and have a good future. It was because you wanted (want) the best for us.

I now understand a lot of things, Mama, because I now know that being a mother is like having your heart take form outside of your body. A form that can be bruised, hurt, crushed. A form that has its own heart and mind and can get itself into trouble if it's not careful. A form you always always want to protect but can only do so much.

I now understand because I'm a mother now too. Much as I have appreciated and loved you before I become a mother myself, I see you now in a different, and in a much much more beautiful, light.

I am immensely grateful for your love. I love you, Mama.

Happy Mother's Day.

Clark: Month 1

Never have I been able to comprehend the neverending amazement babies give and now that I have my own, I want to learn and document everything about him.

At first month, our little Ian Clark (Pablo for short hahaha! More on that later) have already given us so much joy and wonderment. Here are my discoveries and his little, albeit seemingly monumental to Mr. L and me, milestones.

1. He has a mole on his back.

2. He now coos and makes cute little sounds aside from crying.

3. He smiles oh so beautifully! 

4. He has a dimple on the left cheek.

5. He loves being close to me and can already tell when I'm not around. I say this because no matter how deeply he sleeps, he wakes up and cries just a few minutes after I've gone to eat/shower/restroom break. 

6. He loves my milk and demands to be fed every two hours! Some babies need to be woken up for feeding but not our Pablo, he cries for milk like clockwork. Love. 

7. He loves being carried by Mr. L. You can tell because when he cries, he quiets down whenever Mr. L picks him up. 

8. He now follows anyone who carries him with his eyes.

9. He cries really loudly!

10. We love him so very much.

We expected to have a daughter but were gifted with a son

Back in December, when I was on my sixth month of pregnancy, my OB recommended that I get this Congenital Anomaly Scan (CAS). Basically, it is like an ultrasound but more thorough. My baby will be checked from head to toe; eyes, heart, spine, fingers and toes, etc. Of course kasama na rin dito ang gender.

I went in for the scan on a weekday kasi mas konti ang tao. I just arranged to meet Mr. L after office.

I thanked the Higher Being because everything turned out well for my baby according to the ultrasound. Then came the gender reveal. I was so excited! My husband and I wanted a girl. During the early months of pregnancy I told him I "felt" we were having a girl. Ang confident hahaha! So when the doctor told me that she was almost sure I had a girl in my tummy, there was no doubt in my mind that she was right. To be fair, she did tell me that my baby's umbilical cord is between its legs making it more difficult to tell for sure but she wasn't seeing any other, um, protrusion. She said she was about 80% sure. Ako naman dedma na sa 20%!

I met with my husband after work that day, brought him to TWG (special occasion eh!) and showed him the ultrasound with my scribbled handwriting in pink pen that said: It's a girl! Tuwang-tuwa si Mr. L. Naka-post pa sa Facebook hahaha!

A couple of months after that, a very good friend of mine organized a baby shower for me with my former colleagues and some of our close friends. She asked me for a wishlist and good thing I told her to "lessen" the pink stuff kasi feeling ko madaming magbibigay ng pink(speaking of, kailangan ko din palang maiblog ang baby shower haha).

Come April, my OB said she was leaving the country for a couple of weeks starting Holy Week. My Expected Date of Delivery (EDD) was April 28 but if I was to give birth on the weeks my OB wasn't here, a reliever would have to deliver my baby and I didn't like the sound of that. Siyempre, as much as possible, I want to limit the number of people checking in on my vajayjay.

I told my husband that I felt (eto na naman ako sa kaka "feeling" ko eh no? Haha) that my baby will come out on April 8th latest. I came in for my prenatal checkup on April 3rd and my OB said my cervix has started to open. Yiii na-excite ako! The following days were filled with me packing and unpacking our hospital things hahaha and of me trying to determine possible contractions. However, April 8 came and went and wala pa din. Naiinip na ako.

2AM of April 10th, I woke up with a pain similar to that of a menstrual cramp but this one extended to my lower back. Sabi ko "this is it!" haha! So I took a shower, I lathered, scrubbed, shaved, lahat na! Ang tagal ko sa banyo mga 45 minutes! Hahaha! All the while pinapakiramdaman ko kung masusundan yung pain, wala naman! Until I finished my shower and fell back asleep. After Mr. L left for the office, I went back to bed. Napuyat ako eh. I woke up noontime na eh may prenatal checkup ulit ako and my OB's clinic is only open until 12nn. Dedma, I still went kahit 2PM na yun.

I got to Dr. Vicencio's clinic just before 3PM and there were no other patients anymore, ako na lang talaga haha! We went about our normal routine. Then she checked my BP, 160/80! Kalerkey! She did an Internal Exam and told me my cervix has dilated to 3CM na and that I was to go to the Pre-Labor Room ASAP. I called my husband and my mama to tell them the news.

I was in the Labor Room by 5PM. The pain didn't start until they popped my waterbag. It was around 7PM. For those who are curious, yes, labor is painful! It's like LBM and menstrual cramps combined and to the tenth power! Hahaha! Good thing there are three to five minute intervals and thank goodness I learned yoga breathing techniques. It helped a lot!

*WARNING: Unflattering photos ahead but this doesn't get any real than this so kebs!

Kaya pa besh?

For Mr. L to be allowed into the Labor Room,
he had to change into this scrub suit. P450 siya teh!
Tapos kailangan isoli after. KLK!

At past 3AM I was wheeled into the Delivery Room. They called my husband (he was with me at the Labor Room but after a couple of hours I told him to go get some sleep because who knows when we'll get to sleep again? Haha) but I requested that they don't let him in until the baby is almost out. I did not want anyone to see me so, um, defenseless? I don't know, just the picture of me spread-eagled under bright lights and strangers, it sure wasn't a pretty situation.

Ayun na nga, after a few unsuccessful pushing, the pain started again and they had to up my epidural shot. Kaso mo, the person assisting the anesthesiologist misplaced her apparatus! NACACALOCA! Namimilipit ako sa sakit and she was running around trying to find whatever and wherever it is. In reality it probably just took her a few minutes but my gahd it felt like hours! She got reprimanded na nga. In between pains I was like "uy take your time naman, okay lang talaga ako eh!" hahaha kaloka si bakla!

After a few more pushing, Dr. V said the baby's heartbeat is starting to slow down so she has to use forceps to get the baby out na. There will be a few marks on her head and face but they will go away after a few days din daw. They called my husband in and the next push should be my one big push daw. Okay game!

The contraction came, I pushed like I never pushed before and next thing I heard was my baby's hesitant cry and my OB explaining to my husband why she had to use forceps. She was talking a mile a minute. Then the doctor to my right, I think she was a pedia, said to me quietly, "Congratulations! You have a baby boy!" I tell you, at that moment it didn't quite register to me just yet.

Ito yung medyo nahimasmasan na si Mr. L at nag-picture na siya LOL!
Look at that baby! Nakadikit talaga siya kaagad sa'kin huhu! Adorbs!

I do not remember this. I asked Mr. L what was this doctor doing
kasi mukhang sasampalin niya ako hahaha!
He said she was asking me how many fingers I see.
Hala eh di ko maalala, I asked him what I answered,
di niya na rin daw maalala hahaha!

Then they put the baby on my breast for our first skin-to-skin contact when I glimpsed his widdle penis and that's when I thought, "bakit may pototoy?" and then one of the doctors said to Mr. L, "Oh daddy, hindi ka ba magpi picture?" hahaha! Natulala na yung asawa ko eh! Sobrang funny nung moment. So "us". Hahaha!

When the nurse asked for his change of clothes, towel, and swaddle, yung pink talaga ang pinadala ng asawa ko eh hahaha! Yun naman kasi ang ibinilin ko sa kanya. Everyone who saw our baby at the Recovery Room commented on how cute our baby girl is and I was too tired and also too mischievous to correct them.

Aminin na nating ang chaka ko dito pero dedma na,
first family picture namin to eh!

This was when he was first wheeled into our room.
Their first itay-and-son photo. Oh diba pink? Ang cute cute huhu!

Over the next couple of days, it's been kind of a challenge to alter our mindset. Although we are just as happy that we have a boy, we have been expecting for a baby girl for months and what with our baby wearing pink stuff (hahaha!) we sort of still thought that he was a girl.

It was just for a couple of days though. Ngayon okay na.

What a nice surprise, having a boy. I can't wait to see the bond he and my husband will form in the years to come. We're excited to raise a man who will treat women the way they (we) deserve to be treated. I'm grateful we are given this opportunity to raise a human being and we're determined to do right by it.

At 'yan and delivery story ko na mix of pain, suspense, gore, and comedy hihi!

Exceptionally normal. Normally exceptional.

I’m sure this is not the first time you’re hearing about the fact that relationships, although marked by grand moments and gestures, are sustained by the small everyday moments.

Not a fan of grand gestures, my relationship with my husband is marked only by a few grandiose moments yet is persistent in its everyday normalcy. In social media standards, we are quite a boring pair actually but we don't really hold ourselves up to social media standards anyway.

For one, We don’t go out a lot to try different restaurants but we love it most when he’s in the kitchen cooking up something. We have such fun picking out ingredients at the grocery store for dishes he is going to make with his own hands later in the kitchen.

Two, we have not traveled to a lot of countries and tourist spots together. I live, however, for drives in his motorcycle around the village, looking at pretty houses, and sometimes pretending we’re in our hometown while pointing out homes that look like those of people we know back home. Going to places we’ve only ever seen on jeepney plackards are enough to give us a thrill, so long as we are driving together. Not much something to post online about, yes, but those motorcycles rides are like a "thing" between just the two of us.

Even a trip to Wawa Dam can feel like a trip abroad with this man

Three, our conversations aren’t always about how much we love each other or about some deep Philosophical shiz. Most of the time we talk about reaaally ordinary things such as the crazy dream I had, or his day at the office, or an episode of Black Mirror that rendered me speechless, or the big-mouthed President. Hihi. 

Same thing when we fight, they're not the pack-my-bags-and-leave or oh-I’m-going-to-die-with-hearteache kinds of fight. I can get nasty, yes, and it annoys me but he manages to laugh at me in the middle of an argument! Needless to say, our fights don’t last very long.

Not much to see here, I tell you, and to be honest, I feel really grateful about that. I know it is only by the grace of a Higher Being that our marriage is as uneventful as it is, and yes some may say that it's too early to tell. I also know, however, that both of us are willing to work on our relationship so that it stays as ordinary as it is. The way I see it, its dullness is what makes our marriage exceptional and I wouldn't have it any other way.

I'm now pregnant, not just overweight.

Shortly after that lengthy post about my husband and I not trying for a baby until next year, I found out I am pregnant! It’s kind of funny, really, because I was having second thoughts about posting that entry in the first place lest I turn out to be expecting. Tama pala ang hinala ko hihi!

How I told Mr. L

Stangely enough, after citing all those reasons why this is not a good time for us to have a baby, I turn out to be very excited to start a half-MJ-half-Dimple breed of little humans (yes, we’re not stopping at one). I do not know how I’m going to fare as a mother (gawd, even that word intimidates me) but I do know that my husband is going to be an awesome father and I'm not unwilling to try to be a good parent myself. For one, he loves kids! He even used to babysit his cousins’ kids FOR FUN! *insert bewildered reaction of me here* So at least I only have to worry about my own aptitude as a future parent hehe.

We’ve just finished shooting a film for Cinema One Originals (where my colleagues were very considerate about my vulnerabilities that come with the first trimester of pregnancy) and my days now are mostly spent sleeping. Seriously, I can’t seem to do much else. Like the other day, I had an appointment so I woke up early and prepared to go out. Just when I was drying my hair, I suddenly felt so tired I had to lie back down. I woke up with a start late in the afternoon na! Ugh! My siblings-in-law sometimes don't know that most days I’m just in the other room, hybernating haha!

When I’m not dozing off or dealing with the inconstant queasiness in my tummy that one usually feels during long land trips, my emotions are shuttling back-and-forth being excited for the new baby and being scared about not knowing what to do with her/him when he/she comes! I’m so psyched about the cuddly, fragrant, delightful baby but I’m not sure I’m ready for the other things, like labor pains (how much does it hurt, anyway?), for baby bath time, feeding time, poop time, burp time etc. What if the baby hates me? What if I fall asleep while it’s on my arms? What if I can’t make it stop crying? HOMAYGAD! Officially freaking out!

My comedian husband posted this on Facebook LOL!

On the other hand, whenever I get tags from my husband on Facebook of cute little babies, every time he reminds to get something to eat on time, take my vitamins, smear myself with plenty of insect repellent, when we try to guess which traits and/or features our baby will get from either of us, everytime we suppress giggles and laughters in the middle of the night while imagining what our life will be like with the baby, my fears are mollified. When I look at him and see how excited he is about the baby and how confident he is about me, about us, it makes me believe I can do it, too. After all, the universe always conspires to give us what we want and with plenty of help to protect them.

I'll tell you a secret: I used to find it difficult looking at ultrasounds,
I didn't know what to see! Hahaha!
But when it was my turn! I saw our little jellybean!

Oh, we’re so excited to meet you, little human, I hope we don’t disappoint you.