Mama, I now understand...

Why you always stayed up late when I was a kid. I couldn't go to bed without you beside me so I always waited up no matter how many times you told me to go ahead and sleep.

It wasn't because you weren't sleepy yet. It wasn't because you liked staying up late. It was because you still had a lot of preparing, chopping, marinating to do for the menu the following day. You worked hard and at odd hours for our little restaurant to make sure that we would always have enough to live by.

I now understand why you got mad when I wasn't home on time. Why you had to drive your boyish motorcycle to my school to look for me on days that I'm not home when I should be.

It wasn't because I broke your rules. It was because you were worried something might have happened to me. You must have been nervous to begin with. Nerves that turned into panic when you couldn't find me immediately. Panic that turned into relief and then anger upon finding out I was just playing under the sun after all, without a care if you were worried or not.

I now understand why you were always reluctant to let me go to parties (acquaintance parties, school dances, etc.). I had to beg, and scheme, and escape just to be able to get out of the house.

It wasn't because you didn't want me to have fun with my friends. It was because you know that a lot of nasty things happen at parties and you didn't want me to experience any of it. 

I now understand why you always give directions in detail, (as in go to this certain mall, go up the escalator to your left, go inside the store named "whatever", ask the manager if they have a stock of this and that, tell him it's important etc.) it wasn't because you think I couldn't handle the task, it was because you always want to make things easier for me.

I now understand why you had doubts when I told you a BPO company asked me to come for an interview at ten o'clock at night. You asked what kind of an office gives final interviews at ten at night. I told you BPO companies do.

It wasn't because you think I was lying, it was because you weren't worried about me. You always are. What with the news loaded of stories about missing people, I now know you just wanted to make sure I am always safe.

I now understand why you were strict and firm with us when we were young; no boyfriend until we finish school, no dating, no smoking AT ANY AGE, make sure we are courted at home, etc.

It wasn't because you just wanted us to follow your rules. It was because you wanted to make sure we'd finish school and have a good future. It was because you wanted (want) the best for us.

I now understand a lot of things, Mama, because I now know that being a mother is like having your heart take form outside of your body. A form that can be bruised, hurt, crushed. A form that has its own heart and mind and can get itself into trouble if it's not careful. A form you always always want to protect but can only do so much.

I now understand because I'm a mother now too. Much as I have appreciated and loved you before I become a mother myself, I see you now in a different, and in a much much more beautiful, light.

I am immensely grateful for your love. I love you, Mama.

Happy Mother's Day.